Monday, March 31, 2008

My Ah-Ha! Moment - The Need For Power and How I Failed

I was catching up on Chapter 4 of Oprah Winfrey and Eckhart Tolle's world wide web event, "A New Earth" last night when suddenly it hit me...I HAD MY AH-HA MOMENT! I was plodding along since the beginning having little moments of awakening never suspecting this. Then I sat in my office bathroom crying my eyes out, I wondered was this moment supposed to feel wonderfully painful? I mean after all - I finally GOT IT!

Eckhart Tolle repeated a wise Zen master who said, "His need to win drains him of power." It took a moment for the meaning to hit me, but when it did it felt like a brick wall began to crumble within me - an emotional wall began to slowly crumble down. One I didn't even know was there.

This one saying defined the motivation behind entire life moments from failed career choices to the casualties of lost personal relationships. Boy, was I happy for the pause button. I didn't know I was going to need it for about 30 mins while the walls of Gericho came tumbling down.

In a flash I realized winner's reach their goal by wisely and joyfully pacing themselves by living in "the moment" of planning and preparing - not by rushing through life's moments just to get to the finish line before everyone else. It made me realize that I bought into societies lie of competitiveness that forces us to believe it's better to be better than everyone else just for the sake of winning the 1st place prize. I never realized how that mentality sets us up to drain our power and causes us to fail miserably and feel empty inside -even if we do "win."

We drain ourselves of the very life force energy that is supposed to sustain us through our goal attainment. When we rush through life's precious moments just to "be #1 or to get to the next's no wonder we fail and are unsatisfied, unfulfilled and waiting for the next moment just so we can repeat this self-defeating, energy draining cycle all over again. Even those of us who have successful careers, wonderful homes, kids, cars, etc...who still feel empty and drained inside - this is why. But for most of us who are still searching to fill-up the empty holes that aren't filled up by material things - we are being driven by the empty desire to "win" which in turn drains us of this life force power and causes us to inevitably fail. We suddenly find ourselves wanting more of ourselves, more of the next moment, more from life, more from our spouses, more from our kids, etc...

For the past 9 years (or so) I've been looking (like most people) for purpose in my life. Something that would redefine me. Something outside of being a "mom" or a "wife," or a "doctor" who missed her chance. I wanted some divine answer that would take away the pain of not becoming a doctor or singer, not feeling like I'm being a good enough mom, wife, or friend like I wanted - something that would heal the emptiness inside of me that most often times feels like failure. That void that being a "mommy" is supposed to fill - but doesn't. That void that being a "good wife" is supposed to fill - but doesn't. That void that becoming "somebody" who has "everything" is supposed to fill - but doesn't.

You know that void too? You've felt it too?

I've been looking for another career to throw myself into once my littlest one's head to school in anothe year and I realized something. Whatever I decide to do "is enough" because "I am enough." Whatever I choose to do I need to slow down and pace myself enough to stay in the moment b/c all you ever have is the moment, today, right now - not tomorrow, next week, next month, next year. Just right now and each "right now" moment leads to the next one and the next one. Without reaching for it - it's already there waiting for you. You don't have to do anything except get through this moment - right now!

I've officially pulled myself out of the RAT RACE and look ahead to my new career path with my new philosophy...AT MY OWN PACE!

Wheww....I can't tell you how my Ah-Ha! moment felt life birthing another baby. Wonderfully painful, exhausting, but beautiful when it was all over. All my failures (or what I thought were failures in my life) were teaching moments given to me by a gift called, "The Present." All I had to do was live in the "Present" and the future would take care of itself.


Kal El said...

Test post for edit.

Anonymous said...


Here's another test post in response..